From The Start.

April of 1979 I was born. I was around 5 lbs and had jaundice. My mother requested orange juice and an orange after giving birth to me. She always says I was the little girl she always dreamed of. As the only girl in a 5 child family, I guess that means a lot. Or not. I always feel creeped out when she says this. I don't feel it's genuine. I feel that special hatred she has reserved just for me. Not my younger sister. Just me.
 I was rushed to the hospital in Anoka, Mn or in the area. I was 5 months old.My Dad said my head was as flat as a pancake.
My mom said I was pissing and shitting all over the place and throwing up.
 Those are their words. Not mine.
My father said to me on my 36th birthday, "It must have been hard to know your parents didn't want you. That you were not loved."
I thank him for that. Never out loud. But, I do.But, it struck me deeply that I was acknowledged by one of my parents in an honest way.
 At the hospital it was determined I was healing from broken ribs two months prior. My 23 month old brother had been spanked so severe his bottom was blistered.
 Blistered.
I was crying. I was hungry. Mom was feeding Derrick. Dad was mad because Mom bought baby food instead of weed. I cried. He blew. His class ring struck my soft spot. I have a permanent dent there. You can't see it through all my thick hair. But, it is there. On the outside, I appear normal.
 They say now that abused children can suffer a rare form of PTSD. I am diagnosed PTSD, anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and major depressive disorder. I also have a long list of health issues including fibromyalgia that have strong ties to being abused.
 They say now that the abuse changes out DNA forever and we pass on the damage to our babies.
Sadly, I see some evidence of this.
 I wish I had the medical records and court documents for my case. I wish I had more answers.
I am really ill and I want nothing more than to heal. If there is a connection between the past and my current condition, I wish people would fill the blanks in for me so I knew where to start.
 I feel alone in this world. The only person who could know my pain left me years ago. I know he watches out for me from up above. But, HERE I am all alone.